Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing. what direction am I going in. I am so prone to wander from the path that I have set down for myself. I concern myself with games and people, and love, when I really have no business doing anything other than serve. I wander so often from my God, it is a wonder that I ever even think twice any more. but I do. I still have a conscience. it just seems... bleakly selective. like I'm a Christian when it feels good to me. and that is how it has always been. struggling a little bit before giving in to the world. and for a man that styles himself above the influences of this world, that is a bit frustrating. frustrating that I cannot make myself do the right thing. frustrating that out of all the people that know better, I'm the one who can't stay committed. And it is killing me. I wonder if it is even worth it, if I can still try hard enough to pull myself out. and then I remember that I can't. that I never will. because I am a man, and even the best men cannot change themselves alone. I need my God. I need something that I do not have the commitment to maintain. but this is going to change. it is as we speak. I will be a true man. I'm through with boyhood. it is time to step it up. pray for me, anyone who is reading this. it would be much appreciated.